Today is May 28, which means I am just now realizing that May 26 has come and gone. May 26th was originally my due date with our angel baby that we lost at 7 weeks, and I thought that date was going to haunt me this entire pregnancy. I remember looking at that date prior to October 8 of last year and thinking how far away it sounded. And then after miscarrying, I never wanted that date to come because I was afraid of all the emotions I would have surrounding it. But somehow, it absolutely escaped my notice, and I’m kind of grateful for that.
There have been a surprising array of emotions in general associated with this pregnancy, most of them happy and healing. I never expected to be able to say that. I know every woman’s experience with a pregnancy loss is very very different, but mine feels like it was cushioned by the faith that God has the design of our family. He knew what He was doing, and after a couple weeks of intense grieving, I was ready to accept that.
The beginning of May hit me hard emotionally. I felt overwhelmed when I realized that month had arrived, and I had a particularly hard week, but ever since, it has been easier to focus on what is ahead of us, both with Rhett and Tucker. Rhett is right in front of me, all the time, reminding me of the blessing it was to carry him for 41 weeks and how special it is that his little brother is now getting so close to entering this world with us. It doesn’t make it any easier that there is the brief memory of another sibling, but I’m planning on doing all that I can to teach these boys about their guardian angel. I still have a very short clip of the initial ultrasound that picked up that tiny heartbeat, and I need to do something special with that. I have skipped over that chunk of my photos because it is, of course, painful to see. When you have a beautiful rainbow in front of you, it’s difficult to want to look back at the deepest parts of the storm.
I’m not even sure I have much more to share regarding this difficult journey or why I felt the need to talk about it, but I suppose, like so many other things that go into (however infrequently) this blog, it’s therapeutic. It’s not a topic you just bring up to people and talk about often, but it helps to be able to get these thoughts and feelings out. It helps me to feel like there are women out there who understand the bittersweet joy and pain that I have experienced and still experience. I was amazed when I first opened up about miscarriage how many women reached out to me to either give condolences or share their own experience(s), and I’ve never felt so connected. There are so many pregnancies and heartbreaks I pray over each night because my network of women navigating these waters has grown immensely. So if I can pray for this area of your life, please don’t hesitate to reach out.